In life, we often encounter situations that make us uncomfortable, frustrated, or even upset. For many years, I struggled with how to handle these moments. I either kept my feelings to myself, leading to pent-up resentment, or expressed them too late and too harshly. Finding the balance between staying calm and being upfront when I didn’t like something was not easy. However, through self-reflection, practice, and some effective techniques, I managed to develop a healthier approach.
Acknowledging the Need for Change
I realized the need for change after experiencing repeated situations where avoiding confrontation only led to stress and strained relationships. Whether it was staying silent when someone made an offhand comment or agreeing to things I wasn’t comfortable with, the internal pressure built up over time. I would go over conversations in my head, thinking about what I should have said, but rarely acted on those thoughts. I came to understand that staying quiet wasn’t protecting me—it was hurting me.
This realization was a turning point. I needed to learn how to express my feelings without waiting until I was too overwhelmed to do so effectively.
Techniques to Stay Calm
One of the first steps I took was learning how to stay calm in tense moments. Here are some techniques that helped:
Mindfulness and Meditation
I started practicing mindfulness, which helped me stay present in difficult conversations. Instead of spiraling into negative thoughts or overreacting, mindfulness allowed me to observe my feelings without judgment. This made it easier to approach discussions with clarity rather than frustration.
Breathing Techniques
Breathing is simple, but incredibly powerful. I found that deep breathing exercises, particularly slow inhales and exhales, helped me calm down quickly. Whenever I felt anxiety rising, I focused on my breath, which gave me time to reset my emotions before responding.
Reading the Quran
For me, reading the Quran has been a profound source of calm and grounding. In moments of stress or uncertainty, turning to the Quran not only brings me spiritual peace but also offers guidance on how to navigate difficult situations. The messages of patience, wisdom, and kindness within the verses remind me to approach everything with a sense of balance and self-control.
Here are some Quran verses that may help you calm down and be grounded:
Surat Al-Baqarah 2 Verse 153
“O believers! Seek comfort in patience and prayer. Allah is truly with those who are patient”.
Ash-Sharh 94 Verses 5-6
“For indeed, with hardship [will be] ease. Indeed, with hardship [will be] ease”
Ghafir 40 Verse 60
“And your Lord says, ‘Call upon Me; I will respond to you'”.
Surah Ali ‘Imran 3 Verse 7
He is the One Who has revealed to you ˹O Prophet˺ the Book, of which some verses are precise—they are the foundation of the Book—while others are elusive.1 Those with deviant hearts follow the elusive verses seeking ˹to spread˺ doubt through their ˹false˺ interpretations—but none grasps their ˹full˺ meaning except Allah. As for those well-grounded in knowledge, they say, “We believe in this ˹Quran˺—it is all from our Lord.” But none will be mindful ˹of this˺ except people of reason.
Surah Ar-Rum 30 Verse 54
It is Allah Who created you in a state of weakness, then developed ˹your˺ weakness into strength, then developed ˹your˺ strength into weakness and old age.1 He creates whatever He wills. For He is the All-Knowing, Most Capable.
Hobbies and Comedy Movies
Engaging in hobbies I love, whether it’s painting, reading all sort of books, or simply being creative, helps me clear my mind and recharge. These activities give me time to reflect, helping me return to conversations with a calmer mindset.
Similarly, watching comedy movies is a favorite go-to. Humor has a way of dissolving tension and offering perspective. After a good laugh, I often find myself in a lighter mood, making it easier to be upfront in a gentle and positive way. These small joys work wonders in resetting my emotions and preparing me to approach challenging conversations with more clarity.
Pause Before Reacting
I also learned to pause. Giving myself even just a few seconds before responding allowed me to process what was happening, gather my thoughts, and avoid snapping back emotionally. The pause was key in helping me stay composed and intentional in my responses.
Learning to Communicate Assertively
With these calming techniques in place, I turned my attention to communication. I knew that staying calm wasn’t enough—I needed to be upfront about my feelings, but in a way that was constructive and clear.
Clear Communication
I realized that I had to be direct, but not aggressive. Instead of saying vague things like “I don’t know” or “It’s fine” when something bothered me, I began to practice clear and honest communication. I would say things like, “I’m uncomfortable with this,” or “I don’t agree with that,” which made my perspective clear while still being respectful.
Setting Boundaries
Setting boundaries was also a big part of this process. I used to feel guilty about saying no or expressing when something wasn’t working for me. But I learned that by setting clear boundaries, I could protect my energy and emotional well-being. This didn’t mean being rigid or inflexible, but simply ensuring that I honored my own limits.
Non-verbal Cues
I also became more aware of my non-verbal cues. Often, our tone of voice or body language can communicate just as much as words. By maintaining calm eye contact, using a neutral tone, and standing or sitting confidently, I could reinforce the message that I was being upfront in a composed way, not aggressive or defensive.
Practice Makes Perfect
Like anything, this took practice. I didn’t wake up one day suddenly able to handle every tough conversation perfectly. I started small—by expressing myself in low-stakes situations. Over time, this built my confidence. I found that as I became more comfortable, being upfront felt less like a confrontation and more like a necessary and healthy exchange.
If None of This Works: “Darguzar”—Let It Go
Despite all these techniques, sometimes the best solution is to let go. In my language, we have a word for this: “darguzar,” which means to let it go and forgive. If you’ve tried staying calm, communicating clearly, and setting boundaries but the situation remains unresolved or out of your control, it’s essential to embrace forgiveness and move forward.
Letting go doesn’t mean you’ve been defeated or that your feelings aren’t valid—it means you’re choosing peace over conflict. By practicing “darguzar,” I’ve learned that not every battle needs to be fought. There’s freedom in accepting that some things are better left behind, and with forgiveness comes emotional relief. It allows me to maintain my inner calm and focus on the things that truly matter.
The Positive Outcomes
The results of this shift have been transformative. By staying calm and being clear about my feelings, I’ve seen significant improvements in my relationships—both personal and professional. People have responded positively to my honesty, and I’ve earned more respect for standing my ground without being combative. Additionally, the anxiety that once accompanied difficult conversations has greatly diminished, leaving me with a sense of control and confidence in how I handle these situations.
Perhaps the most surprising benefit has been how this change has impacted my self-esteem. By being true to myself, setting boundaries, and speaking up calmly, I’ve grown more confident in my own voice. I no longer second-guess my feelings or question whether I should have said something. Instead, I feel empowered by knowing that I can address issues head-on without losing my composure.
At Last Statement
Learning to stay calm and be more upfront when I don’t like something has been a game-changer. It’s an ongoing journey, but one that has brought immense peace and growth into my life. If you struggle with similar issues, know that you don’t have to choose between staying silent or erupting in frustration. With mindfulness, clear communication, and a commitment to honoring your own boundaries, you can find that balance too. And if none of this works, remember the power of “darguzar”—letting go and forgiving can bring its own form of calm and closure.